My Mother’s Most Notable Quotables

In honor of Mother’s Day, I have decided that instead of posting a sweet narrative that will warm the hearts of all my readers, I am going to simply list a few of what I like to call my mother’s most “notable quotables.” These are actual conversations I’ve had with my mother. For those of you who have not had the pleasure of meeting this incredible woman, you should know that in high school she was voted “Ms Wittiest,” and once, when the yearbook committee asked her to describe herself in one sentence, she said, “I like to raise Iguanas for fun and profit.”

My mom's on the left. I get all my sweet moves from her.

Though we’ve had our doubts, we’re all relatively convinced that there’s nothing wrong with her, because if there is then there’s probably something wrong with all of us as well. And her ridiculous sense of humor matched with her general paranoia gained from being a mother has made for some fantastic notable quotables.

This one’s for you, Mom. Thanks for being amazing, and for imparting your great personality to my sister and me so that we could grow up to make fun of you.

NoQuo1:
This conversation occurred two weeks after I informed my mother that I was going to be spending a portion of my upcoming summer in Uganda.

[phone rings]
Me: “Hello?”
Mom: “Anna!”
Me: “Mom?”
Mom: “I just want you to know, I was talking to Joanne, and Joanne has a friend whose daughter went to… I don’t know! One of those countries in South America! Like, Mexico! And she got a parasite! And this parasite started eating her insides, and they did all these tests, and they thought they were rid of it and then it came back! And then it was eating–I don’t know, her bones or something!–And they did more tests, and surgeries! And more surgeries! And they thought they were rid of it–and then it came back! And now, she’s an adult, MARRIED, with CHILDREN, and the parasite is back!! AND IT’S EATING HER FACE FROM THE INSIDE!
Me: “…”
Mom: “…I just wanted you to know.”
Me: “Thanks, Mom.”

NoQuo2:
A month after returning from Uganda

Me: “I’ve been thinking a lot about other places I’d like to visit around the world.”
Mom: “You mean like, Italy? or France?”
Me: “Yeah, I definitely want to see Europe. I also really want to go to India one day, too.”
Mom: “INDIA?!?! PEOPLE CRAP ON THE STREETS THERE!”
Me: “Well, people crap on the streets in New York Cit–”
Mom: “THAT’S DIFFERENT!”

NoQuo3:
[phones rings]
Mom: “Hello?”
Me: “Hey, mama, whatcha doin’?”
Mom: “Nothing, what are you up to?”
Me: “Well, I have two pieces of news for you that you might not like.”
Mom: “. . .okay?”
Me: “Well, first of all, I might be going to Guatemala this summer.”
Mom: “And?”
Me: “And . . . I’m getting my nose pierced tomorrow.”
Mom: “. . .”
Me: “Hello?”
Mom: “. . .”
Me: “. . . Mom?!”
Mom: “I have no comment.”
Me: “Listen, I know Guatemal–”
Mom: “THAT IS YOUR FACE!”
Me: “Wait–”
Mom: “WE WILL TALK ABOUT GUATEMALA IN A MINUTE! THAT IS YOUR FACE! YOU’RE GOING TO PUT A HUNK OF METAL IN IT?!

The next day…

[phone rings]
Me: “Hel–”
Mom: “BAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! BAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”
Me: “Mom? Mom! Hello? What’s so funny?!”
Mom: “I just told your dad about your nose ring! BAAAHAHAHAHA! YOU SHOULD’VE SEEN THE LOOK ON HIS FACE!!! BAHAHAHAHAHA!”

NoQuo4:
Several weeks after we finally talk about Guatemala…
[phone rings]
Me: “Hello?”
Mom: “IDON’TTHINKYOUSHOULDLEAVETHECOUNTRY!!!”
Me: “What???”
Mom: “I WAS WATCHING THIS SHOW ON TV, ‘MONSTERS INSIDE ME’ AND–”
Me: “EW! What?! Mom!! What are you watching?!?! We’ve had this talk! STICK WITH OPRAH!”

NoQuo5:
Me: “Hey, Mom, so I’ve been thinking about the Peace Corps lately–”
Mom: “Oh my God! Why can’t you be normal?!“

NoQuo6:
Me: “Mom! I have to tell you about this GORGEOUS guy I met today!”
Mom: “Oh geez… Let me guess: he does weird things to small animals with a fork.”
Me: “WHAT? Who are you right now?
Mom: “Bahahahaha! Man, I’m funny.”
Me: “Thank you for believing I could be attracted to someone normal.”
Mom: “Hahahahaha!”

NoQuo7:
Mom: “You know, your father told me yesterday that he’s never had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.”
Me: “What? Are you serious?”
Mom: “I know, I don’t know what the hell is wrong with him.”
Me: “Me either! That’s so weird!”
Mom: “Tell me about it. Next thing you know we’re going to find him sniffing bicycle seats at the local elementary school! Hahahaha!”
Me: “Hahah–wait, what? Where do you get this stuff?”

NoQuo8:
Last year, while driving to Durham to look for housing…
[phone rings]
Me: “Hello?”
Mom: “Hey, I was just calling to check on you.”
Me: “Oh, I’m about 45 minutes from Durham. I’m almost there.”
Mom: “And what are you going to do when you get there?”
Me: “Well, I’m heading to my friend Lindsey’s house. She’s letting me stay with her while I’m here.”
Mom: “Oh. Does she live there?”
Me: “. . .”
Mom: “Anna?”
Me: “Yeah, I don’t get the question.”
Mom: “Does your friend Lindsey live there?”
Me: “No. No her house is just the place she keeps her stuff. She’s quite rustic, and prefers to sleep outside in the wilderness.”
Mom: “All right, there’s no need for the tone.”

- Anna -